international nut of pastry - I think this lines mostly filler.

For about a month, I found myself waking up early (early being relative when you're unemployed) and would be using the home gym that's currently in the garage. I'd be at that for at least 30 minutes, sometimes longer. I'd then go through the list of things to do that I made the previous night before going to bed and accomplish everything on that list. I found myself writing down small, unimportant things but still making sure I did them.

For that month, I accomplished things - no matter how small - and toned up a little too, at least that's what I tell myself.

After that month (or was it 3 weeks?), I started tailing off in both the list making and the morning weights. I don't know what possessed me to start doing both things. Looking back, I guess I was trying to force myself into thinking I had a reason for waking up in the morning. But like always, hope only lasts so long before reality kicks in.

Once again, I find myself crawling out of bed at whatever damn time I can be bothered to. Not sleeping, just staying in bed watching television, or getting out of bed long enough to wake this computer up and start iTunes playing.

If I have some reason to get out of bed I can wake up at a decent hour and be fine with it. But if I can't find a reason to get out of bed other than to put the washing out in the morning, or to mow the lawns before it gets too hot... Why bother? Not like I'm missing out on anything by dragging my arse out of bed early.

"Find a reason then", the obvious question that I hear all 2 regular visitors saying. The quick and dirty answer to that, the only answer that comes to mind is...

"I can't find a reason."

But that's enough of my mental breakdown for tonight. Perhaps more another time... Or maybe not. Sharing yourself only leads to people knowing what's going on inside your head... Things people can use against you later on, if they so choose to.

We're never as strong and as grounded by our morals as we think we are when presented with a chance. And for that, I am sorry.